Lithium
by T3h Toby-Chan
Summary: Crap I can't believe I thought was good at the time. Don't read it.


**A/N**: This is a long due fic, I wrote, motivated mostly by my friend, who requested that there be more Fruits Basket angst. Naturally, I agree with her. (Katia-Chan, this is devoted to you!) But there were more reasons involved with my writing of this, mostly being my budding interest in use of psychology in writing and other art.

I got most of the idea from reading about schizophrenia, and similar disorders that provoke hallucinations, and a common denominator in many victims seems to be abuse, namely sexual abuse. I thought of Yuki, and all the things he'd been put through, and thought he might be a good muse for psychological drama.

It's a songfic to Lithium, by Nirvana, which I believe was a good match, for lyrics, but also for the general mood of the story, which is very much like the song; dark, but masked by a lighthearted melody. You don't have to know the song, but it might help.

This is mostly anime canon- (Akito is a male), but there are a few manga references, mostly with Kakeru, since he plays a rather major role in this plot. I don't know a ton about Kakeru, but with what I've read online, and in volume fourteen (With my terrible Japanese skills), so forgive my getting things wrong. This is fanon for a reason, ya know.

This story contains some mild language, and implied sexual abuse, although I did my best to keep it tasteful. It's not there as a sexy act of any sort. Rape is, in my opinion, the worst crime anyone can commit, and I've done my best to stress that, as well as the horrible consequenses abuse can have on a victim. (And no, I don't hate Akito. I made him more evil in this particular work though).

The timeline skips around just slightly, but you should be able to follow it.

Please enjoy, ladies and gentleman, my hard worked upon story, Lithium.

**...Lithium...**

Yuki heaved and slid back against a wall, sinking to the ground. His grip upon the handle of the stained knife loosened, as he began slowly laughing, in suppressed hysterics.

He had just made his peace. He'd shut everyone up...

_I'm so happy_

_Cause today I found my friends_

_They're in my head_

Akito paced back and forth upon the wooden floor, cursing. A tiny bird landed on his windowsill, which he slapped away, causing a small peep to puff from it, and silence to follow.

He couldn't make sense of it. He couldn't grasp the boldness of his cousin's defiance. How dare he? How dare he just go up and leave without even asking?

"Of all the nerve." Akito clenched his fist, "Dosen't he realize? Dosen't he understand? I own him!"

It had been over a year since that vixen, Tohru had begun to live with the Sohma's in Shigure's house. Akito had begun to notice the change in Yuki. He could see the waning fear, the growing independence in his prized pet, and was utterly disgusted.

And then, he discovered it. He had called Shigure's residence to arrange a visit from dear Yuki. And instead he'd found that Yuki just up and left for no apparent reason.

"Yuki's gone off on a road trip with his friend. He said he wanted some freedom, and time to find himself" Shigure announced happily on the telephone.

"AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK?!" Akito screamed into the reciever, a vein of anger beginning to show upon his forehead.

"Now, Akito. It was last minute, and he'll be back soon. No need to worry."

"And just who do you think you are, telling me when to worry?"

No response.

"It was that Honda bitch, wasn't it? She influenced him! She told him to go, didn't she?"

"Tohru-kun had nothing to do with-"

"Silence! You miserable dog." Akito growled, "Don't you dare try to cover for her. You're walking on thin ice as it is. Don't push your luck! As for Yuki, I'll see to it that he returns. That boy is in need of re-education."

Akito threw the vase upon his end table against the wall, in his fury. He whirled towards the full length mirror and glared at the pale reflection. He watched as his image melted into that of the violet eyed boy.

"Yuki..." He whispered, touching the glass tenderly. He then struck the glass without warning, shattering it, and sending a flow of blood down his knuckles. He licked the stream of blood from his finger, and stared at the reflection now distorted into a grotesque spectacle.

"I will make you remember..."

_I'm so ugly_

_That's okay, cause so are you_

_We broke our mirrors_

_Sunday morning- is every day for all I care_

_I'm not scared_

_Light my candles, in a daze_

_Cause I found God_

"Yun-Yun," Kakeru turned his head from the steering wheel, to his co-pilot, who seemed to be drifting into la-la land.

"Oi. Yun-Yun." He poked the mop-haired boy beside him, "Can you hand me some soy crackers? I'm starved."

Yuki jolted at being poked out of his reverie, and fished for the box of crackers beneath the dashboard. He handed a few to his friend who popped them into his mouth.

"You know, it's dangerous to eat while driving," Yuki advised to his friend.

"It's even more dangerous to be spacing out. It's a good thing you're not the one driving, Yun-Yun."

"Mm? Sorry. Just a little tired." Replied Yuki, staring out the window at the repetetive tedium of buildings swishing by.

"You sure you're okay?" Kakeru asked, with mild concern, "You still haven't told me why you suddenly wanted to just drop everything and head out like this."

Yuki looked at his friend quietly for a moment.

"Not that I don't like it," Kakeru corrected quickly, "I always love spending time with my Yun-Yun. Just, what posessed you to do this? Are you looking for a long lost relative, or just looking to party on the beach, pick up chicks? Have an early spring break? I mean, you've never been the irresponsible type..."

Yuki smiled a little at Kakeru's hopeful suggestions, and looked forward out the windshield.

"Hmm. I guess it's closer to looking for someone..." he said, stretching, as Kakeru waited for him to explain, "It sounds corny and all, but... well I'm looking for myself. And I just need space."

Kakeru grinned.

"And what about Tohru?"

Yuki turned a soft pink.

"What about her?"

The boy in the driver's seat shook his head. Any fool could see that Yuki adored Tohru. Though nobody could ever tell if he'd ever break out of his bubble and express it.

"Honda-San..." Yuki began, "She was the one who helped me realize... that the only one who really could discover me was myself. She just understands so well."

He closed his eyes peacefully and paused.

"And I will. For her sake. But as a friend, I want you to be the one to help me."

Kakeru put his hand to his mouth and stared at Yuki with watered eyes.

"Oh, Yun-Yun" he said with mixed sincerity and jest, "I'm touched!"

Yuki leaped at the uncontrolled steering wheel.

"Keep your eyes on the road, you moron!!!"

The car slowed to a stop in an empty parking lot, just as the sun creaked to it's rising over the horizon, making flecks of glitter over the ocean.

The two weary travelers climbed out, stretching their numbing limbs. Yuki walked closer to the beach, greeting the morning with outstretched arms, letting his tired joints pop back into use, while Kakeru locked the door and followed behind him.

"Well, we made it. It's amazing we got anywhere in that pile of crap, but we did it." He grinned and patted Yuki's shoulder.

"So, it was the beach you were after. Looking for girls after all, eh?"

"Forget about that for a minute, and look at this." Yuki said stepping forward again, as he gestured to the sunrise, "It's a new day. And it's so gorgeous. It makes you feel like- like today, anything is possible. You could do anything, or everything," He tilted his head toward the sky, "And today, I'm going to do everything!"

"Wow. Little Yun-Yun's a poet. And quite the optimist" Kakeru said, smiling. Tohru had definitely been rubbing off on Yuki.

Yuki took a deep breath savoring the salt air.

"It smells like freedom." He said, as they neared the shore. He opened his eyes and faced his friend, "I always thought of the Sohma house to be like a cage. A prison. I thought of running away so many times."

Kakeru nodded, not completely understanding, but listening nonetheless.

"But I think... I can't just run away. I have to face the world. I have to face myself."

"Sounds pretty profound." said Kakeru, "But in that case, why are you still running away?"

"This isn't running away." Yuki said, bending over to pick up a shell, "It's a break. I want to clear my mind. And clear my consience. Not much will really change after this. But when I return, I think I'll finally have my priorites straight. I'll be free, if only in my mind."

He skipped the shell over the water, and continued walking. Kakeru followed, and they talked, carefree, about nothing and everything, as the sun rose. As they ventured over the pier, the wind played with Yuki's hair, and his uncharacteristically loose clothes. He had shed his typical stylish and feminine wardrobe for a pair of loos pants, and an unbuttoned short sleeved shirt with a black tank top underneath.

He set himself down on the pier, letting his legs dangle from the edge. Kakeru did the same.

Yuki stared at the water in silence, a sense of distance overtaking his eyes.

They sat quietly for a few minutes, Kakeru in slight bewilderment, and anticipation.

"There was another reason I wanted to spend more time with you." Yuki said, finally.

His friend looked at him expectantly.

"I wanted to tell you about something. Something I haven't told anyone before. I just want you to promise... that you won't think differently of me."

"Well, God, Yun-Yun. I'm your friend. Whatever it is, you can tell me."

Yuki inhaled, as his heart beat nervously. He was going to tell his friend all about the voices. But he had to start from the beginning.

"You see... The head of the family, Akito... always had an... interest in me..."

_I'm so lonely_

_That's okay, I shaved my head_

_And I'm not sad_

_And Just maybe, I'm too plain for all I've heard_

_I'm not sure_

The violet eyed boy shook on the ground, huddled in a dark corner. How long had it been? An hour? A day? An eternity? He was sick of this room. Sick of being alone. But he couldn't move from his spot. His morbid fear of Akito kept him fixed where he was.

He could barely see a thing in that room, but he was sure his scalp was bleeding, from all the tugging he did at his hair. He held clumps of hair in his palms. He couldn't think of anything else to hold on to.

This was the average day for young Yuki, if he ever dared to speak against Akito. Slowly, as he grew, he was broken in to this pattern of submission, and Akito, reveled in his posession. He adored controlling the beautiful boy, to the point of obsession. He grew into more and more of a vampire for his cousin's fear. The sadism became his daily relief. As long as he controlled Yuki, it took his mind off of the curse that controlled him.

As Yuki grew older, he became introverted and obedient. It was not long before there was nothing left that Akito could punish him for. And Akito's desire for posession drove him insane.

It was his birthday. Yes, it was Yuki's eleventh birthday. He returned from school to the Sohma estate, back to the pattern of being quiet, and praying to be ignored by Akito. But it was different today.

He opened the door to find Akito waiting for him.

"Welcome back, Yuki." Akito approached him, and stopped him softly touching his shoulder.

Yuki averted his eyes and muttered,

"I have homework to do, Akito."

"Don't worry," Said Akito, "This won't take long. I have a little birthday present for you..."

_I'm so excited_

_I can't wait to meet you there_

_I don't care_

_I'm so horny_

_(That's okay, my will is good...)_

Yuki shrank himself into his corner. He was so scared, he wanted to die. He could feel the bile rising in his throat. What had just happened to him? It was all a blur. A panicky streaky hysterical mess. He only remembered the helplessness, the complete and utter terror, being held down by his cousin as he was ordered to be quiet.

He rolled over and vomited. He couldn't contain the shakes that racked his body. He wasn't sure how long it had been before Akito just left him in there.

There was no comfort in that room, no warmth. Just him- so alone. So very alone.

"It's okay." A voice clear as day spoke through the nothingness.

He drew his breath.

"Who's there?" He pressed himself against a wall, fearing Akito might have come back.

"Don't worry, Yuki. It's okay."

It was a girl's voice, small and meek, just like he. She spoke to him, small words of comfort. He wasn't sure how, but he knew that she was there; real.

That was the first time he heard one of his voices. Although certainly a sign of insanity to most people, hearing the voices helped him retain a certain amount of ironic sanity. At times, they were his only comfort when lonliness consumed him.

He'd always thought that when crazy people heard voices, that it was like in a movie; echoey thought-like presences, that could easily be differentiated from reality. That wasn't so. The noise was as clear as anything he'd ever heard. He tried as hard as he could to keep it his secret.

It wasn't long, though, before they grew cruel, and intimidating. Through his days, they would tell him things, frightening things at random moments.

"You're going to die soon," A heavy voice declared from behind him during school one day. He sharply turned to see only the girl who sat behind him, casually taking notes.

His sudden movement shocked the rest of his classmates. They stared at him for a moment, before he sheepishly lied that there was a fly he had tried to hit.

"You know Akito will kill you soon," The threatening voice followed him on his walk home. He was alone in the wooded path to the secluded house of Sohma.

He ignored it and sped his pace.

"You can't ignore it. Look what he's already done to you."

"Shut up! I don't want to think about that!" He yelled, swatting at the air beside him.

"You can't run from it forever."

"It's inevitable. He's going to kill you."

"SO WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?"

"What do you think?..."

_I like it_

_I'm not gonna crack._

_I miss you_

_I'm not gonna crack_

_I love you_

_I'm not gonna crack_

_I kill you_

_I'm not gonna crack_

Yuki heaved a deep breath as he spilled out the last words he intended to say. Kakeru sat beside him, stunned.

"M-my God... Yuki?" He slowly moved his hand to his friend's shoulder.

Yuki started to sob, relieved at the weight he'd just released. He'd spent all those years, hiding his darkest secrets, his shame, his fear. He'd even hidden it from Tohru, who had been the person he trusted most in the entire world. He knew she was too good for him. He didn't want her worrying over him. He didn't want to burden her with the shame of his problems.

"So... all this time..." Kakeru began.

"Every day," Yuki barely managed to whisper, "Every day they tell me horrible things. Every day they remind me of-... of what he did to me."

Kakeru pulled his friend into a hug. Yuki sobbed on his shoulder, as his friend tried to conjur up something to say.

"It's okay," Was all he could manage, "It- wasn't your fault."

'I wish I could believe that,' Yuki said to himself.

Even as he came to terms with himself, he knew the voices would still return.

_I'm so happy_

_Cause today I found my friends_

_They're in my head_

_I'm so ugly_

_And that's okay, cause so are you_

_We broke our mirrors_

"You may stop here, Kureno," Akito ordered, as he stepped out of the car, "I'll call you when you are needed again." He made his way down the driveway as the car pulled away.

"Perfect," He said, upon discovering the house empty, just as he'd expected. He had talked, or more properly, threatened Shigure in taking Kyo and Tohru out on a trip to the Cabin. With everyone out of the house, the setting would be perfect for greeting Yuki as he returned home.

It was time for his re-education. Time to remind Yuki just who the God of this family was.

_Sunday morning_

_Is every day for all I care_

_I'm not scared_

_Light my candles, in a daze_

_Cause I found God_

Yuki sat in the passenger's seat of Kakeru's car, with the relieved silence filling the air.

"Kakeru," He said.

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad we went on this trip."

"Me too."

The rest of the drive was silent, but honest and unakward. As though suddenly a wall had been breached, and new light was shed onto their friendship, just as the dappled light came through tree branches and through the window.

"Well then, see you?" Kakeru, asked, as Yuki got out the door, in front of Shigure's house.

"Of course," Yuki replied, with a faint smile, "I'll call soon. We'll take another trip sometime without any hidden motives."

"I'd like that."

Yuki heaved a great sigh as he watched the car back up and out of the driveway, and drive down the road until it was out of sight. His heart was bouyant and fuzzy, as he turned toward the house.

He couldn't believe he'd just overcome what he had. He walked as though weightless to the front door, soaking the cozy warmth of the setting sun. Everything was beautiful, and best of all, silent.

"Tadaima!" He yelled, with more cheeriness than usual, into the house, only to realize that the house was dark, and seemingly, quite empty.

"Okaeri." A smooth dark voice replied, drawing nearer to him.

The voice was unmistakeable. Yuki's euphoria had suddenly lurched to a screaming halt, as he drew his breath of the stilled air.

"A-Akito?" He managed, trying to hold a casual strength in his voice. A whisper came from over his shoulder.

"I told you so..." It said tauntingly.

Akito stepped forward threateningly, the black Haori over his kimono slung off his shoulder. His walk was always delicate, but more menacing than that of any assassin. Those who knew Akito well, recognized easily that the more graceful his walk, the more refined his anger was, the more poised and prepared he was to attack.

"Yuki. My Yuki." Akito crooned, extending a slender hand, to his younger cousin's chin. The contact was gentle, and barely there, but the malice behind it, caused it to burn like sandpaper against Yuki's skin.

"Why?" Akito asked, in the lowest voice he could sustain above a whisper. Yuki could feel the sound burn in his ear, raise the hairs on his arms, draw all the blood from his face, and leave a tingle all about his skin.

"W-why what?" He replied, trying to sound composed, although his terror was apparent. Akito's nails slowly dug into the skin of his shoulder.

"'Why' everything, Yuki? Why did you just leave without asking me? Why have you been applying for all those schools without my knowledge?"

Yuki's pupils shrank. He wasn't supposed to know. His visible fear drove Akito into further anger.

"Why haven't you been coming to see me when I call for you? Why are you disregaurding the God that gives you life? Why? Why? Is it the Tohru bitch? Yes. Yes, it is, isn't it? You love her so much, don't you? Don't you?"

Yuki pushed free of the painful grip inflicted upon him, and tried to step away.

"Akito I think you should leave." He said forcedly trying to sound calm about it. His answer was a stinging slap across the cheek.

"And just what makes you think you can tell me when it's time to leave?!!" Akito, yelled, furiously, as he pushed Yuki against the wall, grabbing his collar, "You may love that girl. You may consider her a goddess. But let me tell you something! I am your only God, understand?"

Yuki resisted the force, amazed by how strong Akito was, in spite of his fragile appearance.

'Kill the bastard!' A voice screamed.

'NO!' He resisted in thought. He wouldn't give in. He couldn't give in!

"NO!" He yelled, pushing his older cousin out of the way. He hurried away as far as he could. He wasn't going to cave.

I like it

I'm not gonna crack

I miss you

I'm not gonna crack

He stumbled his way to the kitchen, when a force barreled him over. Akito had pushed him to the ground, knocking down pans, dishes and many utensils accross the floor.

He tried to push against the weight that held him against the floor, but to no avail. His cousin was strong. Very strong.

Akito lowered his face to Yuki's.

"You may be bigger now. But I still have power over you. Never forget that." He growled.

It was like he was replaying his nightmare over again. He couldn't overcome the raw fear engulfing his mind, and soul, making all his thoughts blank.

"Yes Yuki. You may love her, but I'm going to change all that," Akito said, pulling at the collar of his shirt, "She would never return your love. You will soon enough learn, that I am the only one who will ever love you. Ever."

Yuki cringed at the breath against his face, and the unwanted hands straying around his neck.

'That's not love! How could it be?'

I love you

I'm not gonna crack

He tried to ignore the painful nails dug into the skin of his wrists. He tried to ignore the pain of Akito's weight against his body. He tried to ignore everything, the miserable violated feelings of being completely overtaken, as Akito began to unbutton his shirt. But he couldn't ignore the wailing voice.

It screamed, siren shrieks rattling his being down to the very center. They were there, resonating, overpowering. How could Akito not hear them, not hear the mournful wails of his younger self?

He couldn't take it! He couldn't stand to hear that child within himself suffer!

With animal drive, he tore his arm free, blood dripping from the nail marks. It landed upon a knife upon the floor among the spilled items. His instinct for survival, for sanity, pumped through him, with bloody impulse. His grip strengthened on the handle of the kitchen knife.

"_Gomen nasai, Akito_."

He drove the knife upward, savagely exacting the desire that had overtaken him for so many years. The deep, horrible, unspeakable rage surfacing with every inhumane motion.

His blinded anger relented after what had to be an eternity and then some, and he came to, to reaize he had blood on his hands.

_I kill you_

He staggered several steps, before slumping against the wall, and sinking downward. The hysterics began to manifest themselves in an uneven, twisted laugh. He released the blade, grinning in his complete acceptance of primal insanity.

'Okay...' He said ever so gently, 'You guys won.'

_I'm not gonna crack...._

**-End-**


End file.
